I popped in to work yesterday and was asked ‘What is it like being on maternity leave? I bet it’s lovely having all that time off’.
I smiled politely and said ‘Yes it’s lovely. I’m really enjoying it’. I now wish I hadn’t lied and had gave those childless, carefree people a really glimpse in to the life of a new mother. Take today for example- 0615- Wake up having fed the small one at 2200, 0100 and 0300 and remembered I had been dreaming that the Small Potatoes had followed me on Instagram🥔 Changed the baby, fed the baby, attempted to stick her in front of CBeebies so I could feed myself. She was having none of it. Awkwardly made a slice of toast one handed, holding wriggly small person in the other hand. Forfeit coffee as it will only go cold anyway. 0745- Attempt to put the small down for her nap. She lays babbling away, quite cute really. 0750- Small one starts to scream. Attempt to ‘ssh’ her to sleep. Leaving her to self settle. Put dummy back in 795 times. Press Ewan’s leg approximately every 5 minutes to avoid further screaming when he stops. 0805- Baby still screaming. Maybe she’s hungry? Small one takes another 4oz. Put her back down... still screaming. 0815- Give up. Take small person back on the sofa. Cuddle her to sleep. Realise I’m now stuck. CBeebies is still on the TV and I can’t reach the remote. 1030- Baby wakes up. I’ve sat for 2hrs. Cold and thirsty watching CBeebies on the tele. At least I know what’s in Mr Tumbles spotty sack 😏 Feed. Change. Manage to grab a shower while baby shouts enthusiastically at the toys attached to her playmat. Cute 💓 1100- Small persons time for a wash. Strip baby off ready for a cotton wool and water wash. Door knocks. Shit. I know it will be the DPD courier to collect our ISO-fix base that has broken (😤). Answer door holding naked baby. Baby SHITS all over me. Not just a normal shit. A ‘I had my 12 weeks jabs, Rotavirus’ Shit. Kick box out the door apologising profusely wondering if it appropriate to open the gin yet. Wash and dress us both, laundry on. 1200-Nap time. 1230- Why won’t this child sleep for god sake 😫 1300- Right we’re going out. Drive to Tesco for a new PerfectPrep filter (£11.80!!!). Speed March 3 loops round Tesco, not just the perimeter, up and down every bastard aisle to try and get the baby to sleep so I can drink a hot coffee in the café while the car is being washed. 1345- First coffee of the day. Look at sleeping small person and think she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. 1353- Small one wakes, screaming. She’s had approximately 17 minutes sleep. 1400- Pick up car (£23!) Attempt to put air in the tyres. Leave door slightly ajar to listen for the intensity of screaming. Get to the 3rd tyre and realise the baby is screaming so much she’s holding her breath. By this point I am actually sweating. I have a sweat tache, in January!!! Baby screams in the car at every red light, roundabout, old lady crossing the road. Stops within seconds of me driving again. This should definitely be part of your driving test, it’s SO distracting. Turn up Kisstory to drown out the screaming 🙉 All of this before 3pm. So THAT’S what it’s like being on maternity leave. It’s not all baby sensory and coffee mornings. In all honesty I’ll probably upload a cute picture of the baby sleeping in Tesco Café to Facebook captioned ‘Coffee with my girl 💓’ in a feeble attempt to make it look like I’ve got my shit together. They have no idea!
1 Comment
Sarah
16/3/2018 19:08:49
Hey Abbie, I'm a MOLO too and have just come across your blog...I love it. My kids are 4 and 9 now - Christ knows how that happened - but like you I didn't 'love' maternity leave, pregnancy or much to be honest about the early baby years although of course I adored my kids. I hated losing 'my' identity and wasn't (still am not) a natural mumsy mother. But it's ok...its all found it's own rhythm and I haven't yet managed to lose either of the kids or myself, conpletely :) Thanks for sharing anyway, it's a great read xx
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